eat (one's) words

Fig. to have to take back one's statements; to confess that one's predictions were wrong. You shouldn't say that to me. I'll make you eat your words.John was wrong about the election and had to eat his words.

Tons of food that I enjoy.  Things I enjoy eating, but this is not one.  At any given moment, we think we know exactly what is right or wrong, only to discover later how ignorant we truly were at the time.  As time goes on in my life, I find that there are things I did or said that I would take back now, but the person I was then would argue a good point.  Time doesn't allow us to flip back in our story and fix things.  Life doesn't give us the knowledge we need for life the moment we enter this world.  Everyday should be a learning experience.  Unfortunately, a lot of things I learned later would have helped me sooner.  

Funny how things change.  Our perspective, that is.  I am a hypocrite extraordinaire on this one.  We ridicule other people for who they care about.  I mean, just a year ago I was dogging the ex because he had a much younger girl friend.  Boy, oh boy, was I a jerk.  Oh, he must be trying to relive his younger days..blah blah blah.  Everyone would say stuff about how young she was and what was she thinking.  Everyone does that.  I mean we all seem to know what is best for everyone else, no?  The whole walk-a-mile-in-my-shoes bullshit is true, and I am really going to continue to work on my attitude and general inability to be a judge of anything.  I am recently very much involved with a younger person ..who I would not trade for the world.  Now I take the badgering of the masses on my decision to care for him.  Decision..hahaha..like I had a choice?  

I really am at a loss for what it is I genuinely believe in.  I have been leaning a lot toward karma. There seems to be a divine force at work most the time.  Things always come back around in my life, anyway. The concept of it is really easy for me.  Do something rotten and something rotten will come back around.  Do something good and good will happen.  Simple enough, huh?  

A song by Mumford & Sons.  
I have been listening to this song daily in hopes it holds some truths.  It will be a long while before I can post a blog to tell you whether it is or not.  

Amazing how one minute you think you have your emotions and life in check and the next you are at a total loss.  The gift I suppose,  I possess is the ability to hide and  bury it around most people.   If I focus on what others need, it is far easier to appear sane and whole.  It is easier to wake up and feel like there is meaning in this roller coaster ride I am on.

Well, it is a night like most.  Okay, not most.  Most nights I am not this tipsy.  Tonight I was at a good friend's house and the company and wine were just too good.  I was messing around with the boys when I got home and I think I broke my toe.  As popular sayings would have it.."it is what it is".  It just reminds me that I am still pretty fragile in heart and mind.  I am still working out the kinks of single life.  It is pretty okay, seeing I have so many friends and children. 
When I was a young child, I just longed for a friend to be my confident.  I wanted someone to play with and talk to and trust.  Things don't really change much.  At 5 I wanted a girl to be my playmate and now at 42, a man.  The dynamics are not all that different. 
There are days I wake up and feel like such a failure because, unlike my mother's generation, I am not married.  As huge of a horror it would be to be "shacked up" for those ladies..I think it would be okay for me, because I would then be connected to another man that would make me whole.  Do you read this horseshit I type?  I do.  I read it and shake my head in disgust.  However, it is how I feel.  I mean, I feel like I am not as successful as a person with a spouse. I do not know when it changed from just needing friends to needing a partner, but somewhere along the journey, things changed.
Now i sit and ponder if my toe is okay.  I mean it has to be, right?  I sit and ponder if I am okay.  I mean my mind and heart.  It has to fall into place eventually, I hope. 

I start every day with coffee.  It started in my teen years.  My mom would make coffee and let me have some.  I then continued each and every morning since.  I love the smell and how good it feels going down.  I wish people were like coffee.  You could pick breakfast blend for a friend or mate and know what you were getting.  However, you never know what people have in store for you.  Coffee can really be predictable.  Predictability is not a bad thing when it comes to coffee and men...

Doesn't it seem that I am making progress?  I mean not leaps and bounds but progress?  I am struggling staying unattached and single.  There is so much need to have someone to call every time something fun/exciting/scary/cool happens.  The biggest issue I have is the cuddle time.  I miss having a good spooning session.  NOW to keep it real - yet again ... I have had a really bad run with men.  Probably learning to just be happy with me would be the smartest move at this point.  

Today is Saturday the 16th of April.  For those who do not know this, it is the day after the normal end of tax season day.  This year tax season has a couple extra days.  Returns are due Monday by midnight.  I have been sitting this morning trying so very hard to focus on the last minute returns I received.  I did a couple thus far and have a few more to go before Monday.  I had to take a break.  I am noticing things like the color of the eraser on my pencil and how the light glows on my phone sitting on the desk.   This screams to me break time.  I am in need of focus and when that goes out the window, it is time to step back for a minute or two.  I can't think of what fun I need to have later.  I can't think of anything without an overwhelming need to speak to another human being.  I see the traffic outside and know there are thousands out there...but none are here now..just files with names and numbers.  It is raining and cold and gloomy and files are cold and harsh at times.  I long for a good cuddle and a movie.  Maybe a nice glass of wine or a beer.